The insights I value the most came from direct work with children, adolescents, and families who taught me what is most important and helpful in the work that we do. I learned from children that what is most essential is that we do not give up on them. Embracing unwavering faith in children as they go through the worst times of their lives may prove to be far more important than any technique or intervention we employ.
One of the most important insights that emerged from my private supervision with the late Walter Bonime, MD, senior training psychoanalyst, has helped sustain me during the most challenging moments of my 55-year career as a clinical psychologist working with children and families. Dr. Bonime taught me that no matter how frustrated, discouraged, angry, hopeless, or impotent the therapist may feel, it cannot begin to match the depth of the same feelings in the child.
Children taught me that sometimes “more is less.” In certain moments what is most important is that we be a caring presence, a trusted witness. The temptation is for therapists to shower intense moments with words that can diminish the transformative potential of a deep encounter with a child.
I’ve met many a “fawn in gorilla suit” during my career. The analogy suggests that the “fawn” as the core self is highly vulnerable — has been hurt too many times! The aggression (putting on the gorilla suit) is intended to protect that vulnerable fawn by keeping people at a safe distance. Yet, the longing for connection burns deeply within.
Another important understanding gained from the decades of work with children is that whenever a youth says, “I don’t care!” we should assume they once cared a lot, but it simply hurts too much, it is too great a risk to care anymore.
I’ve always told my interns and young clinicians, “when you don’t know what else to do, just treat children and families with profound respect and dignity.” They are surprised how far that goes.
Children carry within them powerful narratives that all too often no one takes the time to elicit or hear. The youth, as much as they might avoid it, long to unburden.
The therapist’s willingness to risk themselves in the therapy encounter, and sometimes be wrong, is a “gift” to children by creating a safer context for the child to express what is difficult to put into words.
An 8-year-old boy asked me to explain the initials after my name. This led the boy to say, “Well, you don’t look that smart!” I told him my family tells me the same thing. It reminded me of how important a sense of humility is in working with children. To connect with children, we must be willing to look like fools sometimes. Otherwise, we are no fun at all. Children will only feel free to talk when they feel free to not talk.
Our goal is to honor strengths without trivializing suffering. This is a delicate operation. The work we do is rewarding. We get paid in the currency of the heart. Some of the moments we share with children and families are precious and priceless. But our work is hard. There is an undeniable emotional toll exacted from caring for children with deeply wounded spirits.
Can we hear the hard stories without the hardening of our heart? To do so requires diligent and disciplined efforts to take adequate care of the instrument of healing — our self. As much attention in our field has been paid to the importance of self-care, each child therapist will need to reflect and honestly assess to what degree it is a priority. If we short-change ourselves, it is likely that we are also stiffing our families, and perhaps the children and families we treat as well.
[Editor’s Note: David and I are colleagues and friends, and we are honored to offer his reflection here, which is not about “what to do” with children and teens in therapy, but, “how to be.”]
Questions for Thought and Discussion
File under: Musings and Reflections, Child & Adolescent Therapy
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The Importance of Therapeutic Presence with Children
Repeatedly, my former child clients tell me this when they come back to visit 10, 20, or even 30 years later as they establish themselves in their adult lives. Surprising to me is the fact that at the time I was seeing these former child or adolescent clients, I did not feel that I was particularly helpful. The crises that brought them to therapy were so intense that I was unable to appreciate the power of therapeutic presence and commitment.One of the most important insights that emerged from my private supervision with the late Walter Bonime, MD, senior training psychoanalyst, has helped sustain me during the most challenging moments of my 55-year career as a clinical psychologist working with children and families. Dr. Bonime taught me that no matter how frustrated, discouraged, angry, hopeless, or impotent the therapist may feel, it cannot begin to match the depth of the same feelings in the child.
Children taught me that sometimes “more is less.” In certain moments what is most important is that we be a caring presence, a trusted witness. The temptation is for therapists to shower intense moments with words that can diminish the transformative potential of a deep encounter with a child.
I’ve met many a “fawn in gorilla suit” during my career. The analogy suggests that the “fawn” as the core self is highly vulnerable — has been hurt too many times! The aggression (putting on the gorilla suit) is intended to protect that vulnerable fawn by keeping people at a safe distance. Yet, the longing for connection burns deeply within.
Another important understanding gained from the decades of work with children is that whenever a youth says, “I don’t care!” we should assume they once cared a lot, but it simply hurts too much, it is too great a risk to care anymore.
I’ve always told my interns and young clinicians, “when you don’t know what else to do, just treat children and families with profound respect and dignity.” They are surprised how far that goes.
Children carry within them powerful narratives that all too often no one takes the time to elicit or hear. The youth, as much as they might avoid it, long to unburden.
The therapist’s willingness to risk themselves in the therapy encounter, and sometimes be wrong, is a “gift” to children by creating a safer context for the child to express what is difficult to put into words.
An 8-year-old boy asked me to explain the initials after my name. This led the boy to say, “Well, you don’t look that smart!” I told him my family tells me the same thing. It reminded me of how important a sense of humility is in working with children. To connect with children, we must be willing to look like fools sometimes. Otherwise, we are no fun at all. Children will only feel free to talk when they feel free to not talk.
Our goal is to honor strengths without trivializing suffering. This is a delicate operation. The work we do is rewarding. We get paid in the currency of the heart. Some of the moments we share with children and families are precious and priceless. But our work is hard. There is an undeniable emotional toll exacted from caring for children with deeply wounded spirits.
Can we hear the hard stories without the hardening of our heart? To do so requires diligent and disciplined efforts to take adequate care of the instrument of healing — our self. As much attention in our field has been paid to the importance of self-care, each child therapist will need to reflect and honestly assess to what degree it is a priority. If we short-change ourselves, it is likely that we are also stiffing our families, and perhaps the children and families we treat as well.
[Editor’s Note: David and I are colleagues and friends, and we are honored to offer his reflection here, which is not about “what to do” with children and teens in therapy, but, “how to be.”]
Questions for Thought and Discussion
- In what ways is the author’s orientation to child therapy Similar to your own?
- What have you found to be the most effective ways to intervene with children and teens?
- What have you found to be some of the greatest challenges in working with young clients?
File under: Musings and Reflections, Child & Adolescent Therapy