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Since that time, we have made a complete reversal in how we deal with death, from being the center of one’s life to rarely being discussed. However, continuing to ignore it will not make it go away. Death is coming for all of us.
In 2011, the Death Positive Movement began. Since then, it has been providing opportunities for people to talk more openly about death and dying. Its goal is to decrease the stigma of death. However, many people are still unaware of the movement and the activities associated with it. Perhaps one of the better-known activities associated with the movement is the Death Cafe.
Quite simply, Death Cafes are places that you can go, for free, to feel comfortable and safe talking about death. Actually, you do not even have to talk if you don’t want to. There is no planned agenda, and anyone can bring up a topic to discuss. It is free. Cake and tea are always served and sometimes other beverages. The Cafes are currently found in at least 80 different countries. Sometimes the group may be run by a mental health professional, though most of the time it is someone who has no training in groups or mental health.
While Death Cafes are not meant to be support or therapy groups, I have generally found that people who attend these meetings are warm and supportive of each other, sharing a common bond in accepting mortality. Other activities associated with the movement are Death with Dinner and Coffin Clubs. Often Death with Dinner consists of smaller groups who might get together at someone’s home for dinner and discussion about death.
Coffin Clubs have been popular in New Zealand, England and Ireland, although I am unaware of Coffin Clubs in the United States. People get together to build, decorate and try out their coffins. Members enjoy being with each other. It is a safe place to talk about their lives and future death. An additional benefit to the Coffin Club is the significant amount of money saved by building their own coffins.
You don’t usually find people sitting around talking about death. However, it was very encouraging. For over an hour, we introduced ourselves and talked about what had brought us to the meeting. Some came due to curiosity, some due to the loss of a loved one, and some with their own terminal condition. All were interested in discussing and learning more about death. It is good to be able to see that others have the same concerns and fears about dying as we do.
During the meeting, I began to reflect on the people in my practice who might benefit from this experience, and then I thought about Sarah. Sarah was a 74-year-old woman who came into therapy to talk about her declining health. She had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, which was worsening. She felt that she would not be alive for much longer and wanted to talk about dying.
The problem was that her family did not want to accept her impending death or talk about it — an all-too-common experience. I talked with Sarah about considering attending a Death Cafe meeting. It didn’t take much to convince her.
The following week when she returned, she talked about her experience and how it was like a “breath of fresh air” for her. “People were so welcoming and open,” she said. “It was a relief to be able to talk about dying and not feel guilty. I’m glad I went. I feel like I learned a lot.”
The meeting seemed to empower Sarah. She decided that she wasn’t going to wait around for her family and that she just needed to take charge of all the planning herself so she could have everything just the way she wanted. She began to plan her funeral, the music, and the dress she wanted to be buried in. She picked out her gravesite and even designed her own headstone.
I have also encouraged trainees who were interested in palliative care to have the Death Cafe experience. It has been a great learning tool and helps them to be more comfortable when talking about death with others.
Tulane Medical school has also been in the forefront of utilizing the Death Cafe as a way to address burnout in medical staff who work in high death areas such as the ICU. The meeting I attended included medical staff who worked together on a surgical unit. A child had died in surgery, and the doctor who had performed the surgery was sharing the impact on him as well as the other staff present.
It was very touching to hear him. His pain was almost palpable. Perhaps most striking to me was the atmosphere of the group that allowed him to be open with his feelings of sadness and to cry at the loss of his patient. There are perhaps many different providers who work with the dying that could benefit from debriefing Death Cafes.
Of course, not everyone is enthusiastic about learning more about death. In my practice, I have found that women tend to be more open to the idea than men. There was one situation that has stayed with me for years that demonstrates the power that the fear of death can have: Patricia was brought to therapy by her husband at her doctor’s request. She had been quite ill and recently diagnosed with cancer. Her husband brought her in because the doctor said she was depressed.
It was hard to determine if she was more afraid of her husband, or of dying. One day, she told her husband what we had been talking about. He flew into a rage and would not let her return. It is this fear that speaks to the need for Death Cafes to normalize the process and free people up to talk about what is ahead for all of us.
The Death Cafe has a saying: “talking about babies won’t make you pregnant and talking about death won’t make you die.”
File under: Musings and Reflections
The Death Positive Movement
In Victorian England, death was in the forefront of society. People would begin talking and planning for their death when they were young. By the time someone died, there was no doubt about what was wanted and how it was to be carried out. Women would even make their shrouds to be included in their wedding dowry.Since that time, we have made a complete reversal in how we deal with death, from being the center of one’s life to rarely being discussed. However, continuing to ignore it will not make it go away. Death is coming for all of us.
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In 2011, the Death Positive Movement began. Since then, it has been providing opportunities for people to talk more openly about death and dying. Its goal is to decrease the stigma of death. However, many people are still unaware of the movement and the activities associated with it. Perhaps one of the better-known activities associated with the movement is the Death Cafe.
Quite simply, Death Cafes are places that you can go, for free, to feel comfortable and safe talking about death. Actually, you do not even have to talk if you don’t want to. There is no planned agenda, and anyone can bring up a topic to discuss. It is free. Cake and tea are always served and sometimes other beverages. The Cafes are currently found in at least 80 different countries. Sometimes the group may be run by a mental health professional, though most of the time it is someone who has no training in groups or mental health.
While Death Cafes are not meant to be support or therapy groups, I have generally found that people who attend these meetings are warm and supportive of each other, sharing a common bond in accepting mortality. Other activities associated with the movement are Death with Dinner and Coffin Clubs. Often Death with Dinner consists of smaller groups who might get together at someone’s home for dinner and discussion about death.
Coffin Clubs have been popular in New Zealand, England and Ireland, although I am unaware of Coffin Clubs in the United States. People get together to build, decorate and try out their coffins. Members enjoy being with each other. It is a safe place to talk about their lives and future death. An additional benefit to the Coffin Club is the significant amount of money saved by building their own coffins.
Death Cafes and Therapy
Of the three activities, my clients and I have experienced the Death Cafe. I attended the first Death Cafe held in New Orleans and was amazed by the number of people who came. It was a mixed group, with some being from the medical and mental health fields, while most of the others were from the community. They had heard about the Death Cafe and came to see what it was all about. It was a unique experience.You don’t usually find people sitting around talking about death. However, it was very encouraging. For over an hour, we introduced ourselves and talked about what had brought us to the meeting. Some came due to curiosity, some due to the loss of a loved one, and some with their own terminal condition. All were interested in discussing and learning more about death. It is good to be able to see that others have the same concerns and fears about dying as we do.
During the meeting, I began to reflect on the people in my practice who might benefit from this experience, and then I thought about Sarah. Sarah was a 74-year-old woman who came into therapy to talk about her declining health. She had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure, which was worsening. She felt that she would not be alive for much longer and wanted to talk about dying.
The problem was that her family did not want to accept her impending death or talk about it — an all-too-common experience. I talked with Sarah about considering attending a Death Cafe meeting. It didn’t take much to convince her.
The following week when she returned, she talked about her experience and how it was like a “breath of fresh air” for her. “People were so welcoming and open,” she said. “It was a relief to be able to talk about dying and not feel guilty. I’m glad I went. I feel like I learned a lot.”
The meeting seemed to empower Sarah. She decided that she wasn’t going to wait around for her family and that she just needed to take charge of all the planning herself so she could have everything just the way she wanted. She began to plan her funeral, the music, and the dress she wanted to be buried in. She picked out her gravesite and even designed her own headstone.
I have also encouraged trainees who were interested in palliative care to have the Death Cafe experience. It has been a great learning tool and helps them to be more comfortable when talking about death with others.
Tulane Medical school has also been in the forefront of utilizing the Death Cafe as a way to address burnout in medical staff who work in high death areas such as the ICU. The meeting I attended included medical staff who worked together on a surgical unit. A child had died in surgery, and the doctor who had performed the surgery was sharing the impact on him as well as the other staff present.
It was very touching to hear him. His pain was almost palpable. Perhaps most striking to me was the atmosphere of the group that allowed him to be open with his feelings of sadness and to cry at the loss of his patient. There are perhaps many different providers who work with the dying that could benefit from debriefing Death Cafes.
Of course, not everyone is enthusiastic about learning more about death. In my practice, I have found that women tend to be more open to the idea than men. There was one situation that has stayed with me for years that demonstrates the power that the fear of death can have: Patricia was brought to therapy by her husband at her doctor’s request. She had been quite ill and recently diagnosed with cancer. Her husband brought her in because the doctor said she was depressed.
It was hard to determine if she was more afraid of her husband, or of dying. One day, she told her husband what we had been talking about. He flew into a rage and would not let her return. It is this fear that speaks to the need for Death Cafes to normalize the process and free people up to talk about what is ahead for all of us.
The Death Cafe has a saying: “talking about babies won’t make you pregnant and talking about death won’t make you die.”
File under: Musings and Reflections