How to Successfully Navigate Cultural Challenges with Filipino Clients

• The Filipino American in Session
• The Linearity of the English Language
• Lost in Translation
• The Shadow Side of Utang Na Loob
• Final Thoughts

Linda came into the office with an anguished look on her face, lamenting that her mother had given her the “cold shoulder.” The reason: Linda hadn’t taken her children to see their lola (grandmother in Filipino) for weeks. Through a wrinkled brow she continued, “my mom thinks I owe her a visit even though we’re trying not to catch COVID. I know she took care of the kids when they were younger, but she makes me feel like my obligation is a string that is never to be broken. I’m grateful to her, but…” 

In Filipino culture, the sense that a past or recent good deed or favor must be remembered (and repaid) is called utang na loob. Utang is “debt” and loob is “inner self.” Filipinos are collectivistic in nature. The physical proximity that exists (the bubble) between two people is so much closer than is customary in American culture. The young American child is taught to articulate her needs and to orient herself within her own space. That child is taught to say, “Johnny, I got this toy first. Wait your turn.” On the other hand, the Filipinx child’s orientation is to empathize, which may or may not result in her sharing the toy with Johnny. But if sharing takes place (“Here’s the toy, Johnny”), positive reinforcement is given. The adult smiles approvingly at the behavior of the mabait na bata (kind kid). Often, the adult in Filipino culture also teaches the child empathy by narrating non-verbal cues and gestures: “Look at Johnny, he’s very sad. He wants to play with the toy too.” 

The Filipino American in Session

One of the challenges to the Filipinx American is to reconcile cultural opposites. I remember when I first immigrated to America, I saw a popular Filipina student from my school soften her otherwise deep, bright, red lipstick in the school bus each time we were on our way home. I later realized that she was struggling to bridge the cultural divide, attempting to appear American to the outside world and Filipina inside her home—a daunting task, especially for a young adult who is trying to make her way in the social realm. 

It might be easy to assume that a Filipino has assimilated into the American culture once they have learned the language—most are bilingual. However, this bilingualism also creates myriad possibilities for miscommunication, not just in the therapy room but in the Filipino home. While a born-and-raised Filipinx American client may be more comfortable with English, their older relatives may not. Such was the case with Linda’s mother, her grandmother and her uncle. To help Linda in her familial struggles around utang na loob in the therapy room, I had to make space for the conflicted familial energy that came with the linguistic and cultural divide separating the generations.

A Westen-trained therapist might immediately focus on supporting a client like Linda by assisting her in setting boundaries and helping her to assert herself

A Westen-trained therapist might immediately focus on supporting a client like Linda by assisting her in setting boundaries and helping her to assert herself in the face of what she regarded as her mother’s unrealistic demands. While doing so might be a reasonable route to take later in therapy with her, it could very well backfire while working within her collectivistic familial system. Borrowing from Emotional-Focused Therapy, discovering our loved ones’ emotional longing can transform how we respond to them. However, this can be tricky because it’s important not to put your clients in a position where they carry the burden of changing the familial system by accommodating and flexing their emotional muscle at the expense of their own psychological well-being. I didn’t want to do that with Linda and her family. 

The Linearity of the English Language

To help Linda set boundaries with her mother and other family members, it was important for me to further explore the concept of utang na loob with her. As a debt, utang is typically a quantifiable exchange, such as a defined amount of money that both parties agree upon. In contrast, although it is inextricably linked to external exchange, or debt, loob describes the inner workings of the Filipinx psyche, an unquantifiable. The phrase lakas ng loob roughly translates as “persistence on the inside.” But the word “inside” gets lost in translation. Sensing (pakiramdam in Filipino) is a core value rarely explored in Filipino American psychology. Pakiramdam is to sense someone beyond their verbal assertion and articulation.

The assumption that verbal assertion trumps all other types of communication is the equivalent of seeing the world from a particular cultural perspective that in this case does not represent the Filipinx worldview or practice

In Filipino culture child-rearing, there is rehearsing that occurs between caregiver and child, which teaches the child that communication relies not solely on explicit language, but also, and deeply, on bodily movements such as the motion of the eyebrows, the breathing pattern, and bodily posture. Trained in Western notions of communication, a therapist might initially be curious as to why their client can’t just speak directly to mitigate misunderstanding—in this case, Linda with her mother. The assumption that verbal assertion trumps all other types of communication is the equivalent of seeing the world from a particular cultural perspective that in this case does not represent the Filipinx worldview or practice.

The history of the Philippines is complex. It ancestral roots were embedded in the rites of animism prior to colonization by the Spaniards. I believe that a history of oppression teaches the colonized to communicate implicitly with each other to maintain freedom of expression and to avoid imprisonment, both literal and emotional. Jose Rizal, the national hero of the Philippines spoke in codes through his literary manuscripts because it was safer to do so during its colonialization by Spain. Executed at 35 by firing squad, his work is studied to date by students who learn to decode his writings for their true underlying meanings. Speaking in code was a functional way to adapt to psychological threats, real and perceived. But it’s also a way to speak when people are in closer proximity. Despite Filipinxs’ bilingualism, concepts that aim to be translatable into English—in this case, utang na loob—can, and very often do, lose their meaning. 

Lost in Translation

A debt can be paid with a simple, explicit transaction, often, at least from a Western perspective, by a transfer of money. While utang literally translates to “debt” in Filipino, the word used in the native language rarely means “to pay” but to tanaw. Tanaw in Filipino means “to glimpse back on, to look back and not forget.” Regarding the immigrant who leaves the motherland in search of greener pastures, the young Filipinx American often carries a sense of obligation or burden to repay favors done for them by their elders. And because loob is the unquantifiable sense of the otherwise measurable utang, immigrants often bring with them and carry the unsettling feeling of not knowing the extent of the debt—how much and how long they need to pay for it, or what the repayment was—when they didn’t ask for or agree to the loan in the first place. They are simply expected to remember that they are in debt, and despite their gratitude and wish to honor their parents, struggle with the indeterminate nature of that debt.

immigrants often bring with them and carry the unsettling feeling of not knowing the extent of the debt—how much and how long they need to pay for it, or what the repayment was

It is as if upon leaving the motherland, the immigrant is given a rope with which they can metaphorically climb the steep mountain ahead of them. The rope is securely tied to the parent, who hopes their child will use it to the best of their abilities in the new land by striving for the highest goals, perhaps in the form of receiving straight A’s in their new schools. This rope is the bond between parent and child, and in essence ties the child to the parent in debt, utang na loob. This binding translates, so to speak, into an honoring through appreciation; a thank you and even a showcasing and sharing of one’s financial accomplishments.

This can be a deeply unsettling experience for the immigrant or Filipinx American who views this material—and sometimes immaterial and unmeasurable—tabulation as superficial. However, it’s important to remember what the material transaction represents. It allows the immigrant to satisfy their emotional needs (the sense of honoring the debt to the parent) and to feel like a hero in the parent’s eyes. When, on the other hand, the parent, who is still holding tightly to the rope feels forgotten or their generosity or sacrifice diminished, they often become sour, passively resentful, and pull out a lengthy list of all they’ve done for their child who is now successful in their new life and the new world because of what they provided. In turn, the now-grown child feels confused and attacked. 

The Shadow Side of Utang Na Loob

I’ve found that there are many reasons for the giving of favors. While kagandahang-loob (a Filipino core value of inner goodness shared with others) stands out, it is not always the case that favors are altruistic. I have seen generosity through giving favors used as emotional and financial investment (“You owe me money or gratitude for what I have given you or sacrificed for you”), a means of controlling the recipient, and as an ensnaring that keeps someone close at all costs. When the recipient of a favor is perceived by the giver (usually a parent or other close relative) as being successful in navigating the American culture by virtue of a stable job or possessions, including home ownership, that “giver” may expect something in return, either materially/financially or emotionally, such as in dependence or a never-ending thanks and the return of favors or satisfaction of demands or expectations. 

I have seen generosity through giving favors used as emotional and financial investment

In general, Filipino immigrants learn to self-soothe through connection, as opposed to Americans, who seem to do so through independence and materiality. When an immigrant learns to navigate the American culture through self-care and self-soothing strategies, they can, in turn, better assist their own children in exploring their own worlds, rather than fostering in those children a sense of indebtedness or a thirsting for parental attention and affection. When, however, that parent begins to experience disconnection from their now independent-thinking child, they may invoke utang na loob to counter that sense of emotional distancing. They may, in turn, come to rely on their children to define their own happiness, in essence putting all their emotional eggs in one basket, and fear that the independence of their children may mean an empty emotional basket. 

In Linda’s case, any “sensed” or “felt” lack of appreciation by her mother was experienced as resentment, typically passive in nature. In all likelihood, Linda’s mother felt forgotten when COVID separated her from her child and grandchildren. For the mother, Linda’s disconnection (actually because of COVID) was felt as a personal rejection, and she reacted with resentment toward her daughter for a lack of gratitude. Verbally appreciating her mother and telling her how much her help meant went a long way in bridging the gap that had developed between Linda and her mother. Repetition of and consistency in communicating her appreciation became that much more important in shoring the rift. In a culture where politeness and kindness towards the debt holder supersede directness and self-assertion, repetition is critical and interpreted as sincerity. 

Because Linda hadn’t shown this “gratitude with sincerity” in a while, she decided to give it a shot, although she knew it was not likely that her mother would readily or eagerly accept it. She was more likely to give Linda a hard time following the first few attempts. It was also likely that when she called home, her mother would sound aloof and even sarcastic, so it was up to Linda to reach out with consistency to give her mother and the relationship the chance to pivot. Oftentimes, this is all that is necessary for Filipinx clients in a comparable situation. 

It’s possible that despite her consistency and expression of affection, Linda and her mother had become trapped in a negative emotional cycle from which it became difficult to escape. At the point when Linda came to see me, I believed that it was important to give her a gentle nudge in the direction of exploring the setting of healthy boundaries while discussing utang na loob with her. 

Final Thoughts

The concept and evocation of utang na loob has evolved over time; however, Filipinos may continue to use it in attempt to reel someone in or collect an explicit or implicit material or emotional debt in the name of a cultural or familial norm. However, from the depths of its ancestral roots and its connection to the culturally derived, deep unspoken sensing of “the other” (pakiramdam), it has also served the purpose of helping to maintain the integrity and survival of the Filipinx cultural ecosystem across the diaspora. In the process, this deeply-rooted belief and practice, despite the familial tension it can engender (as it did in Linda’s case), also encourages the child to give without concern about exchange or debt—with the faith that doing so will be remembered in one form or another today or into the future, keeping family members connected. 

Author Note: Articulating the nuances of utang na loob for a clinical audience has been a feat. I tried to provide service to my fellow-practitioners/healers but am also mindful that my description of this dynamic concept continues to breathe and change with and for each Filipinx American client and their family. 
 

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